Rachel Johnson

Atheist Blogger- the godlessvagina / Podcaster the pink atheist

So you’re a devil worshiping, baby eating, heathen, bacon loving Atheist. Now what?


Welcome to the world of the least trusted, sit down and I’ll pour you a glass of satan’s brew. Your life just took a turn for the amazingly horrifying, and you should be prepared to fight, or run like hell. Most of your battles will be mentally, so you should stock up on Tylenol and products like that. You should also read a lot of science, and religious texts. Once you are done, come back here pale and sweating, with wide horrified eyes at what people really believe happened on this planet for you to get here. You’ll need something for the upset stomach, and should probably contact a secular therapist.

Most Christians, Jews,  and Muslims  will swear that you worship the devil, even after you tell them, like a thousand times, that you don’t believe he exists. They think that’s just him manipulating you with a Spock like mind meld. Even when you explain that you have read the evidence, found the contradictions in their holy texts and found glaring moral flaws with their religious characters they will still say it’s true. If you find yourself stuck in this loop, please go outside and start and argument with a tree, it’s likely to have a better outcome.

Next, you’ll want to know that you now have no morals. Congratulations, apparently without someone watching your every move, and crushing you with their divine hand, you won’t know how to be a good person, even if atheists have committed the least amounts of tragedies on the planet, it doesn’t matter. Basically religious morality is determined by which ever version of the book the person follows and the eternal fear that one misstep from that book will have a raging and vengeful stalker reigning down horrors upon you. Sure, you could say you base your morality on humanism, or things like observations of outcomes, but it doesn’t matter, if you’re not willing to commit acts of genocide or homicide for your divine schizophrenic you’re not moral.

Have you eaten a baby? If not, you are going to need to stock up on BBQ sauce, and hang out at your local abortion clinic waiting for the fresh daily to come out, or at least that is what Christians believe. You might never get a nice chew on a fetus, but you will be accused of every horror on the planet, like somehow by being in the room with theist children you will try to de-convert them with knowledge. Which will make everyone you know uncomfortable being around their children. Even if some organized religion has numbers of pedophiles which is more disgusting than a good old de-conversion.

You are now undateble, so plan on loneliness being your best friend, or try really hard to find another atheist, and if you are married and they are a theist, you should probably prepare for a divorce, unless they are very sensible. People are so uncomfortable with atheists, especially outspoken and direct atheists. They are often intimidated by them, and let me just say their god will come before you , and that is scary. Not only do you not come first, but you come second to their imagination. If that doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what will.

Do you love bacon? If not, that’s fine, but to ward off the more religious people and to help save your sanity, you may want to stock up on cart loads of it. It seems to have a repellant effect on them, and it can’t be considered offensive enough to get social outrage.

Basically being an atheist means you are a social outcast, or pariah. Unless you hang out with your own, and then you are part of a group of social outcasts, but the good part is they are a crazy great bunch of flawed and normal people who will tell you that they can accept their own frail humanity and not look to a higher person to save them. Being an atheist doesn’t mean you have joined a cult, or religion, there is no bible and no rules. There is only the lack of belief in a god, and beyond that, you are on your own. Everyone is their own person. There is no rule book.

So welcome to being Atheist.


Author: Rachel Johnson

I am a writer about atheist issues. Separation of the church and state. Women and their right to choose, and sex. I talk about all of the "taboos" of modern life as well as evolution and science.

3 thoughts on “So you’re a devil worshiping, baby eating, heathen, bacon loving Atheist. Now what?

  1. Thanks for this witty spin on being an atheist. You called it perfectly. I short circuit many a believers brain when they can’t figure out I’m just a nice guy who doesn’t have a baby rotisserie in my basement.

  2. Community is definitely the way to go if you are an Atheist. There are plenty of us out there. We are just widely, geographically separated from each other. Bit our online community has brought us together. Hail science. Most religious folks are brainwashed beyond repair. But we still have to share this world with them. But now we can do it with a community of us. And not just alone anymore.

  3. OMG, where do you folks live that you even run into these kinda cretins, let alone feel compelled to share your personal beliefs? Unless maybe we’re talking about the “fundamentalist” kinda atheists, who seem to wanna “evangelize” at least as much as their ‘religious’ counterparts.
    BTW, the “baby-eating” part reminds me of the famous quip by W.C. Fields, where an actress once asked him,”So how do you like children, Mr. Fields?”
    WC Fields: “Fricaseed.”

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