Rachel Johnson

Atheist Blogger- the godlessvagina / Podcaster the pink atheist

Why Dating an Atheist Can be Impossible.


Atheists are far outnumbered, and this makes dating other atheists a hard task at best. So often atheists try to find non practicing or moderate Christians to date, and sometimes they just wind up falling in love. Like two different cultures, this can be hectic, straining, and sometimes quite impossible. Especially when you hit the triggers, and the debates come on. Many people can’t survive the grand Canyon that comes between the two points of view.

Many theists have a narrow scope of vision about atheists. The tend to think that we are just as religious about our lack of belief as they are about their belief. This couldn’t be farther from the truth, though it is a rehearsed and reverberated lie sold to the masses at length. Most atheists have left the dogmatic thinking of resolved divine answers without questions, to question everything. Including why they believe anything and everything that they do. Some atheists have just abandoned the faith and see no reason to believe. This doesn’t qualify as religion, but religion does, and explaining to someone who refuses to see how you are different, why you are different can be nearly impossible. Spending time defending your lack of belief over and over can be daunting for even the best of us.

Dogmatism: This word should scare atheists. The dogmatic mind seeks to co-opt other minds. Convinced that there is dogmatism in us all, and that we are controlled by some grand designer, whether by permission, or  circumstance. These kind of people want to put us under the control of religion, siting every possible flaw in our life as the need to return to mindlessly following along the religious spectrum. They can be different types of dangerous to atheists trying to date. The free willed dogmatist, the religious zealot in hiding, and the self sacrificing dogmatist who thinks that through sex and manipulation they can herd you back into the flock, and god will see the value of their sexual and physical sacrifice. Each of the perverts the nature of a relationship, and when children get involved, can destroy many lives.

It is hard for many reasons, to be an atheist who is dating. Mostly because we are seen as unfeeling, monsters who care nothing for morality. The biggest offense though is saying we are closed minded because we refuse to acknowledge how there could be a grand designer out there just waiting to save us from ourselves.

The problem is that from each side, the other looks a bit crazy. We can’t help it. One side sees the delusion of the religious and the religious live happy and content with their delusion. Even at the expense of life, and harm, and untold suffering. One side is always curious about the other, and more is they can’t see it from the other person’s perspective. So it makes for hard times. Even if the religious person is willing to understand, unless they leave the dogma, they can never really stop themselves from trying hard to implant the virus. (Unless they are Jews)

The ontological argument fails. The argument for design fails, the argument of god can’t be known fails. It all fails. This leaves religious people with only fear and anger. At first it can be dismissed because of the biological chemicals that are being produced, but ultimately there will be a high cost to both parties. It is sad to see how people will defend their virus, even using kids as a shield, or worse, purposely indoctrinating them against free thinking.

There can be few who stand the test. Mostly because there will never be evidence to prove a creator, nor to deny one. But the burden of proof falls to those who fail to look for it, and thus the fight continues. We watch as, like dominos, love falls apart at the hands of those who can’t reconcile the god/no god battle.

Atheists don’t stand on the same ground as theists, as we are well aware. We are hated, cursed, discriminated against, murdered, and pushed out of the very core of society. We are in essence the thinking outlaws, spreading a cure amongst people that is unwanted by the masses. We scare them, and panic them, plague them with worries. We are the ones who drive them from their safe hiding placed deep within the dreams of their delusions, and for that we pay a sore price.

But we are the ones who can see real morality, living without dogma, and with freedom from fear based on a pre determined destiny. We struggle to get by, and give no thanks nor plead help from a divine source. We give thanks to our fellow man, and help others without thought for reward, and hope for paradise. We are just simple people.

When it comes to dating though, we cross lines that can be hard, if not devastating to cross. Mostly because the desire to be loved and cared for is there, maybe more so, because we are smart. Smart people often face a harder time with love, because it is hard to be accepted when you can point out all the flaws in people and the logic you seek so hard. It can be hard because you might not have been exposed to all the in’s and out of social life, and the social norms. Atheists have some of the hardest lives, because they strive to be more than just mindless people following, but they happen to be some of our greatest minds. Yet it simply doesn’t fare well when it comes to matters of the heart, and the loving, and living.

Author: Rachel Johnson

I am a writer about atheist issues. Separation of the church and state. Women and their right to choose, and sex. I talk about all of the "taboos" of modern life as well as evolution and science.

42 thoughts on “Why Dating an Atheist Can be Impossible.

  1. Not too shabby Rachel!

  2. They probably want to prove to you that you don’t exist.

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  5. Just got dumped after dating a “spritual” woman for a month. We had a lot in common but she didn’t feel the chemistry. Her farewell text included a subtle jab at me being a scientist so I would know why there was no chemistry between us. I’m sure she took it as an insult that I didn’t believe in ghosts, permonistions or astrology. I don’t think it is possible to have a life time commitment with a sprirtual or religious person because ultimately they feel disrespected for their beliefs and there’s no workaround for that.

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  7. You practically said it all =)

  8. Well said. I think, for the believers, it is all but impossible to understand that some of us don’t operate on belief, but instead on degrees of plausibility. In fact, some of us recognize belief as the simple emotional attachments that stand in for the lack of knowledge. While as Atheists we may sometimes struggle to avoid reasoning away our humanity, it is always the “spirit” of exploration that sees us through.

  9. I think this is fairly accurate. I’m an atheist and my girlfriend is what I would describe as a “misotheistic Christian.” She doesn’t go to church, doesn’t do any of the religious hooey, but she believes in God and claims to hate him. She’s had so much bad luck in her life she refers to herself as “God’s joke.” It’s kind of sad and funny at the same time, but I can understand why she feels that way.

  10. “The free willed dogmatist, the religious zealot in hiding, and the self sacrificing dogmatist who thinks that through sex and manipulation they can herd you back into the flock”….,

    I see this analogous to the current Pope. No he isn’t using sex as manipulation instead, he uses hip and vague comments about “change” and still more vague admittance that he is not “one to judge” gays and lesbians. His intention? Herding the younger generation “back to the flock” and through his god you will be transformed into a good little drone.

  11. I got dumped by my girlfriend a month ago because she wasn’t over her ex (the guy she had a one week long open relationship with) and the “spiritual connection” they had. She said that my atheism makes it so I could never share that with her. She is Buddhist and the weird thing is, I use Buddhist meditation all the time. One of our first meetings was in a temple. If she wanted to go to a temple I would go with her and just work on mental discipline meditation. I never challenged her faith or anything. She even described herself as agnostic. It was not good enough that I be into mediation. I met her so called “ex” and he informed me that he was like me. He was atheist and mediated. She just didn’t know.

    • Unless you were constantly talking about atheism, or trying to force your opinions onto her, then she is only using it as an excuse for dumping you.

  12. Hey,Racheal,how about a date…..LOL!?

    ““Where we have reasons for what we believe we have no need of faith. However,where logic and evidence are scare we rely on faith and thus we lose our connection to the world and one another.”

    Richard Dawkins

  13. As an atheist I feel the hardest part about dating, besides finding nearby agnostic/atheist people, is trying to respect a partner’s belief in god. Everything I read says “you must respect each other’s beliefs and values” but I can’t honestly say I respect Christian beliefs because they are so nonsensical. I’ve been trying, but it’s difficult for me to respect a partner’s intelligence when they truly believe that “faith” is the answer.

    • Agreed!

      “There have been many frustrated moments in my life when I’ve looked at what I, at that point in time, felt was a bumbling moronic populace. It disgusted me that they could so simply find solace and affirmation in such a far-fetched social construct as God. Its there, they accept it, they don’t question it, because to question it would mean facing some really difficult issues and doubts, so they just go with the flow. “God is in control” – so I don’t have to be.”

    • I’m saddened by this Mae as there are many people out there with faith that aren’t idiotic puppets. As a person who is a believer (as in I believe in God, and do believe Jesus to be my personal savior), and is NOT religious (all religions are man made and are composed of rules/restrictions made up by mortal men) I truly value helping others, and I find that my relationship with God (and His love) is a powerful motivation for me to love (and help) without judgment.

      I’m aware that it takes (for some people) a suspension of rational thinking to truly buy into the idea of an all powerful and all knowing deity. But I see how my life, thoughts, and behaviors have changed for the better (towards others, and myself) since dedicating my life to glorifying God. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, and last year attempted suicide. After asking God for help, I found that my overwhelming sadness/loneliness, feelings of worthlessness and emptiness was finally gone.

      My experience is personal (and specific) to myself, and doesn’t mean that other people need to believe in a deity, or even should. But I know I do need it, and i don’t think that makes me lack any kind of intelligence. Thank you for reading this.

      • You seem very intelligent Rachel, and I appreciate you taking the time for that thought-out and well-written comment. I know spirituality and some forms of religion have a very important function and place in some people’s lives. I’m happy your spirituality and beliefs have made your life better 🙂 Depression can be extremely difficult to battle, and I’m glad your faith has helped.
        Thank you for sharing your viewpoint with me. 🙂

      • Some people need illusion so as to cope with the harsh reality of life………self-brainwashing!!! As Karl Marx said”Religion is the opiate of the people.” Is living a life of illusion so bad though??? 90% of all philosophers agree it is better to face truth as opposed to living a life of illusion.

      • Bipolar can be very challenging cat. I used to believe that if I prayed enough ‘god’ would take my bad feelings away but in reality when I did get better it wasn’t divine intervention, it was a manic ascent because bipolar is a roller coaster ride. I’ve developed my own ways of coping with bipolar and I hardly notice I even have it anymore. Just develop critical thinking and analyze yourself over years. No need for a ‘god’ :). But i suspect that you’re doing what I did in your own way, and it seems like ‘god’ is helping

    • Nail. Head. Hit.

    • Yah I feel yah I go through the same. You can tell them ‘I respect your views, mine just happens to be different.’ But it’ll always bother you on some level that they belief what is essentially ignorant tripe that belongs in the stone age. And use it against you in arguments more than likely

    • As Marc Maron said: “you don’t have to respect anyone’s religion, just acknowledge it”

    • Well,I fell in love with a nice Filipina girl who is a serious Christian and I cant help but blurt some Atheist dogma her way when I get the chance………slowly but surely I am making headway! I do not respect religious fairy tales on any level………I simply tolerate them!

      She often protests with a mild slap or verbal scolding,however,I simply laugh this off as our connection is very strong. Watching “The Matrix” together certainly helped – “Illusions Mr. Anderson.”

      • Run like hell; Filipinas are serial scam artists.

      • You should know that initial love is looking past the differences for a while but over time they wear you down if too diametrically opposing. I don’t see this working out for you in the long term especially with someone from a culture like the Philippines. This is a place where people carry a cross around at Easter and let people flogged them.

        • I have to agree with you to a point. I ve been to the Philippines many times and it simply astounds me how these people blindly follow their imaginary friend “god.” However,they wont think twice about scamming or sticking a knife in your gut so as to benefit themselves. But,thats no problem anyways due to “gods endless forgiveness……LOL!

  14. This is so awesome – my best-friend is an atheist and raved about your blog. He wasn’t wrong at all. I’m agnostic myself and I just have to reblog.

  15. Reblogged this on Awesome Elo and commented:
    Having heard the complaints of my atheist bestfriend and being agnostic, I know how hard it can be to tell someone you are dating or just getting to know that you are not religious, much less that you don’t believe at all. Funny enough, I would prefer to date an atheist as die-hard religious people freak me out a little.

  16. “Atheists are far outnumbered”

    Only in crazy religion land 🙂

  17. “often atheists try to find non practicing or moderate Christians to date, and sometimes they just wind up falling in love. Like two different cultures, this can be hectic, straining, and sometimes quite impossible. Especially when you hit the triggers”

    This rings very true for me. I am a male self-described “Agnostic humanist”. I was dating a Girl, and when I told her I was Agnostic she asked “Oh, so that means believe in God but aren’t religious, right?”, and I told her that I think she was thinking of Deism, and that Agnosticism was the Belief that it is impossible to know whether God or gods exist and that nevertheless I didn’t believe. That should have been my red flag. I proceed to inquire, and I mentioned that I thought Religion was a product of culture and she agreed, said she was a Catholic-Wiccan, but that she disagreed with a lot of the church’s positions. Fast-forward 6 months and she is my girlfriend, and we have moved in together. Turns out the -wiccan part was grossly overstated, and despite disagreeing with “a lot of the church’s positions” (She was A okay with birth control, was okay with Gay people, didn’t believe the Pope was infallible, didn’t believe the bible was inerrant, etc..) she still wanted to eventually move back to her home state, get married in a Catholic church, wanted to raise the future kids strictly Catholic from Birth, baptized, and confirmed in the Catholic church knowing full well most (if not all) of what they teach is nonsense. I stated that I would let my children choose for themselves, but that I couldn’t have them compelled and forced into it like I was as a child (but protestant). That’s the moment our relationship ended.

    That’s my experience. In that experience even moderate Christians have a difficulty making things work with us ‘nones’. Tolerance is the best we can hope for. Not to say it can’t be done, but the pool of compatible partners is severely limited.

  18. I think the problem for guys seeking an atheist/agnostic women is that in this society women have less of a support base if they decide to not conform to the religious beliefs within their community. You can’t find a compatible mate if they risk economic retribution by advertising their non-beliefs.

  19. You nailed it on dogmatism. However, there was a study comparing dogmatism between atheists and theists, and they found that we both tend to be equally dogmatic (See Hunsberger & Altemeyer, 2006). This was my problem when dating. I was being very dogmatic in my views and I feel like this led to a feeling of isolation and separation. Even if someone identified as spiritual but not religious, I refused to see them as a potential long-term partner.

    • Trust me, I see the dogmatism in atheists all the time. One thing I have noticed though, is some, a small portion, tend to be very critical thinking. I’ve not seen as many in the theistic crowd.

  20. I’m an atheist and I’m honestly quite offended by this article but also filled with laughter as to the person who wrote this article really believes this -_-

  21. Could you state your belief in the origin of the Universe?

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