I used to think that the sex I needed to have was the sex I was taught to have. Very heterocentric monogamous sex, with nothing to deviate from the social norms. Lately though, I have asked myself, who am I making happy, because it certainly was not me. I was simply trapped. Mostly by chains I was keeping alive in my head. Secretly I was fighting with myself, because I would care very much for who I was with, but still find my self on the edge of wanting more. It was my deep secret. Women aren’t supposed to be open sexually. We are supposed to be wanting a husband, a home, kids. I was betraying everything I was taught.
It poured out in my fantasies, in my need to express myself, in the way i would sink quietly and miserably into a relationship. At times it was devastating, painful, and I would punish myself. I would over eat, dress down, feel hindered. I couldn’t admit to myself what I really wanted. Instead I choked down my needs with a bitter narrowness. If only people could understand how much I love being free. How much I wanted to have my space, liberty and sexual desires fulfilled.
I read Darrel Ray’s book, and it shined a light I couldn’t even bear. My sexual proclivity was through the roof. It wasn’t something I could have made happen, or now deny. I tried to hide from it. I went to dinner with my best friends and almost let it out, but one look in their eyes stopped me cold. I couldn’t do it. How could I tell them that what they found normal and fine, what they sought, and had was nothing I wanted. So I slunk back into what I was supposed to be doing.
Then I got into a relationship with someone who was open and honest about his past. All the things he had done, and he seemed fine with it. His strength slowly made me think. Though I liked him, and cared for him, I was back to where I knew I didn’t belong. I was sinking inside. It was hard for me to admit it, until one night, it came out of me in a way that even shocked me. The sparks were there, and I knew it was over with us, and that I couldn’t slink back into the shadows again.
So now I am facing saying things, and being someone who I always was, which is very new to me. Instead of looking for the right guy, I am looking for the right guys. I am stepping out of every sexual boundary which has been given to me. Not just heteronormative sex, not just monogamous sex, but what I want. I am asking for it, demanding it, and avidly seeking it. What has come as a shock is that I find I can get it. Yes, it comes as a shock to people around me and they don’t really understand. Yes I am sure they are saying things behind my back, but I am sure I don’t care. Because they can’t face me, and I can face them. As time goes on, I want to write about my experiences. I don’t want to live someone else’s story, I want to live mine.