Rachel Johnson

Atheist Blogger- the godlessvagina / Podcaster the pink atheist


The Heart Of The Matter.

I digress to say that it weighs very heavy on one’s heart when the bravery of a lifetime is once again thrust on the rocks of life. It behooves me to say what tatters the heart so. I grew up in the same house as her, ate at the same dinner table. Shared the same parents, and at times the same bed. My oldest sister was inclined towards a kind of anger that came from deep inside. By the time she was in her teens she was capable of not caring much for anything. I can’t call this tragedy all her fault. In fact most of it wasn’t.

It can be said and is relatively true how different children can be, even from the same home and parents. I was unlike my two sisters. I was curious about everything, I got into everything. When no one was looking I was secretly challenging the whole of the universe. Echoes of a life yet to come. I rarely can dismiss my very first memory of chasing a butterfly, let alone my first pet duck, or the puppies my sister had the audacity to throw over a fence, assured that they would parachute to the ground. I tried explaining to her that there was no parachute, and they would hurt their legs. I being at best, 4 or 5 years old, and her being 3 years older. She insisted though, on throwing them, and I caught every one, and with each one begged her to stop throwing them. It was the last one that I was intent on teaching her a lesson and so refused to catch it. This puppy certainly had something wrong with its legs after it fell. Angry with her, I carted it into the house and presented it to my father. I also scolded her all the way to the house. Of course it was hurt, I had said there was no parachute like on the cartoons, and where did she think it would pop out of.

This was just the beginning of out trails and their divergence. While my sister was content to do nothing most of the time, I was outside. While she had no passion for life or anything, I could barely control the passion for knowing how everything in life worked. I tore the flowers apart, and looked inside them, carted birds nests, with eggs home to my mother. In fact, if you weren’t paying close attention I was up in trees, snatching the neighbors flowers, for which several neighbors were not impressed. I was my mothers bike riding, mud playing, fishing, and tree climbing, flower snatching child. While my sisters were in front of the tv, I was out in nature. It was this way I became a passionate person about life.

My sister, as I said, she became less. I am not sure why, but she was not as strong as me. Everything in life seemed to make her weaker. She was always looking for an escape. She hid mostly in the tv. By the time I was old enough to play with dolls and be happy about it, she was mostly in her room. She never wanted to play with me, and in essence, had nothing to do with me other than occasionally letting me sleep in her bed with her. She had the big bed, which I adored, and then I could talk to her till I fell asleep. Mostly though, I would want to when I was feeling ill. Which didn’t quite impress her.

The years went on and my sister did things, which I found very unimpressive. She was a brilliant painter. But she was passionless to do so. Instead she wound up pregnant at 16 and I was an aunt by 14 years of age. It was seeing her go through this, that made me not want to wind up as she did. By 16 years old, I was babysitting, and caring for her daughter. My sister went from one bad move to another, as I starred at the circus that was her life. During my late teens and early twenties, my sister and I had patched up a strained and somewhat broken relationship. It would soon break again though.

Looking back, and shuffling the deck, there would not be much that would save us. I am not sure what she believes. I have spent the last 8 years as a distant memory to her, as she has to me. Now looking on at her life and then reflecting on mine, it is as close to opposite as can be. She became the person who let her life get out of control to the point where she is now accused of involuntary manslaughter. I became an activist for atheism. She has done nothing with the potential she has, and I live most days with a passion for life and living.

I know she has a belief in god, but I can’t say that would be the primary effect of her outcome. Though I do submit to you, it is possible, just possible that when you believe in an eternal place and a creator who will forgive even the worst of inhumanity, then perhaps, dear reader, perhaps you believe that you could be forgiven for being less than a good human being. Something which not having a deity dismisses. While not all atheists are good human beings, I would digress to say, that we have no compensation or method of forgiveness divine for our intolerable actions.

One of the things I pondered when I first became atheist, was the notion of morality. I was intrigued by the idea of no one holding me responsible, beyond this life, for anything I did. I discovered, that other than social convention, there was no true state where by I would have to follow any morals laid out by any governing body that I had to accept. I chose, instead, ones to follow based on what was best for me, and those who had the fortune or unfortunate chance of being near me. I don’t steal, simply, because if I didn’t earn it, and someone else did, then I have no premise under which to believe I have more right to it than the owner. I don’t kill because, as I see my life as sacred and wanted, I see others as the same. And so goes my morality, the amount of worth I place in my being, and my things, I return equally for others.

This is why I am so infuriated. My sister disregarded the sheer fabric of humanity. One that we should all share. Life is a sovereign state of being. Unless the owner of that life, chooses to take it, who am I or anyone to do so? I can place no higher value on my life than I can on yours. Nor any lesser value. I find it astounding that anyone can. I won’t degrade that to a religious idea, because not every religious person would do what my sister has done. Yet part of me wonders, can it be dismissed, or does it come into play. What I do know is that I consider her a horrible human being. The cage she is in, she deserves every part of it and nothing less.

Ironically, she will face every bit if what she has done, finally. See the one thing you can be assured of, dear reader, is that there is no karma, or even universal evening out of things. But in the chaos of our universe, you will find that the chaos you create, it will find you. There is much to be said about that fact. People often talk of free will, and I dismiss it with pleasure. See, if there was free will, then possibly one would not be doomed to lesser things. But when all you grow to know is wrong, you can never truly understand what is right. Free will is a delusion by the hopeful that the lottery is just one ticket away and escape is always possible, sorrowfully it is not.

In closing, I say to you, life is not fair or just always. But it is precious, and should be held to a degree of worth, where we place a high value on the state. We should also be culpable and conscious of our fellow humans, and for their survival. It is intolerable to lessen the value of life simply because we have no eternal judge and jury. Instead we must be dilligant gaurdians of the state of life.