Atheist love is not so different in many terms from theist love. Nor are relationships, the emotional part, not the sexual. We all make the same mistakes, same choices, same heated passionate bondings. In other words, the emotional side of love can be just as damaging and hurtful on either side of the bar. Some words send more messages than intended. In fact the message that can be received can change the other person’s perspective of you completely, or make them think there are things to be rectified if the relationship is going to go farther.
The statement, “I just want you to be happy,” holds more in the context than the message sender might have intended. The intention of the statement is to desire for the other person to enjoy whom they are with and the relationship. To let them express that if they are not content, then they should seek a more content arrangement or love affair with someone more pleasing. The actual message received is, if you find someone better, then please make yourself happy and go with them.
This has always been one of my pet peeves. People might be changeable, as in there are others, but they are not expendable, and certainly not disposable. In fact all people are different and looking for the right one is a task, and a journey. Dating is an experience that can be hard, and yet satisfying when you find one who suits what you need and are looking for. A person with the right qualities is often hard to find, and there is no perfect match out there. Differences can make or break a relationship depending on the severity,
A statement like, “I just want you to be happy,” sends a signal which implies there might be more happiness to be found with someone else. Wheather the person intended it or not. It also says that there is a feeling about what the other person feels they mean, or lack meaning to you. We don’t get to choose for others what makes them happy. Most of all the implication here is that somehow the other person might not see the value in you, and so if someone has the chance to make you more happy, you should dismiss the value of the person you are with, and be selfish enough to seek better.
Part of relationships is the give and take. Everyone should be happy, they should have their hearts desire. Being atheists we know that the dating pool is very shallow. Some of us can’t deal with theists in relationships because of their emotional and sexual hangups. This means the chances of us finding the right one for us goes down exponentially. Which by no means sets the standard for settling. It just means that you are more likely to have to look harder and father for the one who is right for you.
Most of all self esteem plays a large role here. It is a sad affair of the heart to think that you might not be the one who makes the other person the happiest or question how they can be happier. There is no perfect mate. There is no one person who you can say will make you blissful every day of your life. No one should even be thinking along those lines. What makes one relationship good may not work for another. Not distance, or commonalities can change what does, or doesn’t work. Hearing someone say they want you to be happy can be hard, especially when they are the one in whom you find the most happiness. It leads to questioning where they are, and if they are truly happy. Or if they can also find you as an expendable commodity.
Humans tend to make the mistake of seeing people as objects, we all do it. On a day to day basis we can’t see every human for the worth they have. The ones we do are part of our close social group, and those outside often fall to being mere objects. Some of us choose to see them as less of objects, because we know they all come attached to feelings, understandings, flaws, dreams, hopes, demands, but they are human just the same. It is severe objectification of other people which leads us to being the most miserable, and people can be down right cruel.
When a person has suffered a lot due to societies opinion of them, harsh words thrown at them, being mistreated, neglected, and abused, then they often suffer by not feeling good enough for others. Our society places a great value on being fit, looking a certain way, living a certain lifestyle. In the end the people with the most caring and open hearts tend to suffer the most damage. Something that can’t always be repaired.
Our social structure is based on biology, we are driven by that first and foremost. Behind that is the mental choices we make. We pick qualities in a mate that might have everything to do with social norms, and might have nothing to do with social norms. By all means from an outside perspective, being religious might seem a social norm. Not that any part of me could see this as true. In this instance, we atheists would all be outside of the social norm. Which might be a biological strike against us. This is just one of many factors, but if you are looking for beauty alone, or specific traits, like money, social standing, popularity, and high desirability on the part of others, you might find yourself in a very disappointing relationship.
Relationships are built. They take a lot of work and dedication. Something that can’t happen if you are busy being distracted enough to be looking for more happiness. They are by far not easy, and once the hormones have dulled down, you have to have someone who you find compatible, and feel enough of an empathetic bond with to continue a sustained relationship. Otherwise the best that you will do is move partner to partner seeking the rush of chemicals to the brain which can be highly addicting.
Telling someone you want them to be happy sends the message that they might not be, or could do better. It is the wrong message to send, when you are trying to show your value and worth to another person. In the initial stages of love and romance we are all like peacocks strutting around showing our best side, making everything look its best to attract the mate. That exists for a reason. we all want to look good to our potential partner. The reality is we all come loaded with flaws, and if someone is going to invest time with you, and emotion it is great for them to see that initially. What they can or can’t accept will be the determining factor. Not everyone who sees you will accept you for whom you are, but there are those who definitely will. Those are the ones who don’t need to be pushed away, told they can do better, or expressed to that you just want them to be happy.
The happiness comes from having a bond with a person you enjoy, and are wiling to let enjoy you.It comes from not guarding your flaws and feeling like those outweigh your good qualities, and any person who cares can see your worth above the flaws. So instead of telling people you just want them to be happy, just let them be happy. We all decide those things for ourselves. On one else can determine what will make us happy, not friends, not parents, not anyone but us. So on this one, do yourself a favor, and don’t express how your potential mate can be happier, or might be happier elsewhere. Let them be as happy with you as they choose to be, until they no longer choose to be.