I have been called everything from cold bitch, to heartless. I have been ridiculed for everything from my intellect, to my womanhood. I often wonder would the case be the same if I had been born a male. Then, would I have even cared to be me at all. Most people think they know the me that my friends get to cherish. The me who would dare to give my life’s blood for them, cry with them, and step into the muck with them. No, I dare to say you don’t know me at all. Inside most of the time I am frail, and weak. Weak for the cause of humanity.
Wise men have seen, as I see, the desperation of the human cause. The sheer need to defend it from its self, and for its self. I once believed we were all children of the same god, I can now see we are children of the wild animals we evolved from, and much as we deny our uncivilized nature, we tend to act unquestionably upon it. I pity our somber existence. Our need for gods, to bow like sheep before a raging monster, to twist him and form him into something we can love. All the while watching as men live in fear of ever breath they take. Living with madness coursing through their veins hating the very humanity that makes them who they are.
I have grown wearie at times thinking of man, his plagues he places upon others. The fighting, the hate, the fear, the rape, the murder. One more life snuffed out in a fit of rage. One more suffering at the hands of merciless and cruel people with no regard for life. When will the bitterness end? How much more can we take? Why must we do nothing about change and expect it to come?
I feel for the poor, the suffering, the victims of abuse, rape, violence. I know the world can’t be perfect, but must it be this chaotic? Must we deny others the right to the same happiness, and harmony that we would grant ourselves? It will always be denied inside the bonds and chains of religion. While religion is not the only source of evil in the world, it is the most predominant, it is the most infectious. There are times when I hang my head and say to my self, being born was more a burden than a blessing.
That is because for the life of me I can’t ignore human suffering. For all that I am, I can’t walk away from horrible things depressed and saddened. I bleed my humanity all over the place. I always have. Sometimes I wish it would just stop. Stop all of the feelings that make me say, why again do you harm each other, ignore each other, what mercilessness the human brain can contrive. I wonder, do many people feel this for each other, or is it just me so buried under the burden to fix humanity.
I would rather spend most of my life in learning than in fighting, but it seems there is always someone ready to fight. Fight over their ideal of reality, based on nothing but a delusion of what they wish they had, could be, or how they want people to believe their version of everything, which is based on utter garbage, and holds no truth or value.
I look at the world around me and think with a bitter heart, when will you stop the brutality. When will you care? Why does it become so easy to forget? People spend more time tearing each other apart than putting them back together. Why is it the moment you can’t agree with someone, then it is time to attack them personally?
I have even faced this from atheists. As of lately in fact. One who wouldn’t listen to me went so far as to call me a bitch without actually writing it. After I had the courtesy to never call him anything. After many attempts by me to explain things. And why dare you to ask would he do such a thing, because I pointed out the obvious. Look it is your delusion and if you want to live in it atheist or not, fine then have at it.
I have learned to see something bad for you from the onset. I know that abusers tend to stay abusers, and users tend to stay users. I won’t agree to be part of something that lowers me to the level of of second rate or accomplice to abuse, or basically asks me to be silent and forgo what I know about being a good human for anyone.
If only you knew, knew the conversations I have had. Ones where your heart would break in two, ones where you just have nothing you can say to help, and words which will comfort. I really don’t care to betray the secrets I hold quietly. I really have no taste for seeing suffering. I hold nothing but contempt for certain people.
I was repulsed to find that in my own family there is a person abusing another adult. One who is slow, and lacks every bit of education and opportunity that could be offered. That the abuser will just beat them for anything that goes wrong in their world. It made me want to vomit, and it still does. How, how do I deal with what I see?
One of my best friends lost her brother to a tumor, seeing her status of pain put me in pain.
Those are not even secrets.
But I wonder, can’t we do better than this?
Does religion have to poison the world? Do we have to be cruel to other humans? Do we think that being weak means we can never be strong? I ask you because for the moment I am all out of answers. What I am is saddened by the human condition. The only thing that cheers me is knowing there are hearts out there that are more precious than gold.
It may be easy to be unkind to a stranger, or treat someone in your life as unwanted and unwelcome, but then I ask you why is it so?