Since I left religion it has been a daunting task to find all of the areas where religion has crept in, and taken from me the unique person that I could have been based on factors that I could never have controlled. Society as a whole has had a lot more to say about my sexual person than even I could. After reading the book Sex and God By Darrel Ray, I realize what a profound impact has been made by society as a whole. The demonizing of sex, the degradation of women, their bodies, and human sexuality, had not escaped me, but I had not looked deep enough. Based on information in the book, I found I am a 6.6. If you want to know what this means, then give it a read.
What I do know is that now, I have to look at the real me and how I have lived in fear of what people think of my sexual self, and how that has negatively impacted my life. Make no mistake here, it has. Even knowing the reality behind me, I wonder what people will think of me if I start acting and behaving in what my true sexual nature is. I am sure that most people in my life have already figured it out. I was the one being blinded by the dogma covering my eyes, even after I had dumped religion.
I have every care about people who are gay. I have asked my self, looked at the evidence for it and know that simply I am not gay, but what if I was? I would simply embrace it. With all that I am, I would be glad to just be having the sex I want with the people I chose to and love the people that nature and my choices made for me to love. So what if I was bi sexual, or poly amorous, or just wanted various anonymous partners? Well I would hope that I was courageous enough to do the same. I would be too, but here I am on the cusp of figuring out who I am and what I want. Religion made me think the choice was easy. Monogamy and fidelity in a heterosexual relationship. You might say, “Well you are no longer religious so it doesn’t matter.” But then I know it is wired in my mind.
While I read the book on Sex and God my mind was busy at work pushing up old agendas. Telling me how my training taught me to be. Reassuring me that the direct line between me and sex had always worked, but it hadn’t. It has made me miserable. Marriage to me is like a prison, at least at this point in my life. I don’t want to be the happy home maker, pop out babies, and cook as my life fades to black. I don’t want to be chained to a man who thinks sex is five min of grunting and grinding until orgasm happens and then he rolls over and goes to sleep. That would sicken me. I also don’t want to have to live my life condemning myself for the desires I have and things I want.
So what do I want? Well I am still working on that. But after the book I know I can get to work. It is going to be hard to face what I have been hiding from myself, and here is not the arena to open everything and expose the raw nerve, but it has been exposed. Now I have to figure out how to do the rewiring. How to let go of the past and embrace the future. I never realized how deep religion had gotten, and how I used the thoughts stemming from my training to punish myself.
I always looked at my sisters and wondered why they could have marriages, and long term relationships, and I never seemed to put it together. My needs seemed to be far from them. I was not settled, and often after some time found myself bored and wanting to try something new or different, because if not I would become depressed with what I had. Always being in some sedate relationship made me depressed, and hate the fact that I was in and badly wanted out. Someone who can’t stimulate me mentally or physically is can’t hold my interest. Even smart men are great, but not if they can’t have good sex.
I always thought I was being a selfish jerk, wanting to have my cake and eat it too. A man that was smart and good in bed, willing to try new things, and make love like there is no tomorrow. I thought that I was bad for being bored, or me. Religion put a map in my head. One that is wired into so many parts of my thoughts. I was always taught men were the head of the house, but I could never see me being anything less than the equal in the house. I was taught that women were not to be highly sexual beings, but restrained, and virginal. I quickly discovered that it was not me, and I wanted nothing to do with that behavior. Though I know I am not the highest level of risk taker. I am in the middle. 6.6, still higher than some would score. (It is in the book Sex and God.)
I now have to face the information given to me by Dr. Ray. I have to face the years of guilt and self blame, doubt, and most of all rethink me. After reading the book I realize I am not a monster, or a bad person for wanting and needing what I want and need. I am a simple biological being, being me. I can’t play by the rules I never made for myself, and I can’t be forced to be what I am not. Instead I have to have a long hard look at who I am with nothing from anyone outside, and get to know the me that will lead me to happiness, and it is going to take a journey. One that began when I had to face the fact religion had stolen that control from me too. Now it is time to take it back.
So my dear readers I suggest two things….1. Get the book and read it. Set your self free. 2. Even if you think you are open minded about sex, go through the map in your brain and really assess what is yours and what was given to you by dogma. I have seen even atheists be judgmental of each other.